Guide to Moral Living in Examples: The Antichrist

Laura knew that she'd given birth to the Antichrist when baby Justine spun her head completely around and vomited great gouts of magma, which annihilated her Lil' Diner high chair and a pot of mushed peas. Laura cleaned Justine up.

Enormous black and green pustules began to grow like a crust over Justine's skin. Each popped with tiny clouds of greasy black smoke. Laura bought the extra-strength diaper rash cream.

As Justine grew up, Laura continued her diligent parenting. Whenever Justine would chew through the steel chains on the swing sets at the playground, Laura made sure that she brushed her teeth afterwards. Laura was unwavering that Justine had to put away her demons when she was done playing with them AND made sure that she closed the hellgate.

Boys were never a problem. It was their disappearance that was a problem. Justine never went out on second dates, as she either consumed her escort or recruited them into her unholy army of darkness. Laura sat Justine down and explained the birds, the bees and the wretched hellbats to Justine. You don't have to give in to your desires right away. Take it slow, see how you feel before you make any decisions.

After The Talk, Justine usually made it to the third date before she consumed the boy.

Justine grew up to be a successful young woman. She married a priest that she seduced away from the church, bought a house on a rocky outcropping near a volcano, and raised a hundred thousand young on the volcanic rocks beneath her home while simultaneously rising through the ranks of a weapons company to become the CEO when the previous one was mysteriously eaten. She was the first to invent the nuclear bomb that also contained vials of nerve gas and cages full of deadly scorpions.

One day when her husband had taken the children on a camping trip among the Weeping Trees next to the river Styx, she was playing fetch with an aging hellhound named Scruffles. He moved very slowly and instead of a roaring crest of flame along his hackles he only had embers. A strange man came walking along the path to the house.

This was unusual, as most solicitors were turned away either by the corpses rotting in the gibbets or the big sign that read KEEP OFF THE GRASS.

Scruffles walked up to the man and began licking his hands. Normally even at this advanced age Scruffles would have at least ripped off an arm.

"Who the heaven are you?" Justine asked.

"Jesus," said Jesus Christ.

"Come no closer. My father may have been cast from your kingdom but here on Earth you are no stronger than He is!"

Jesus rolled His eyes.

"That's exactly why your father asked me to come here."


"He wonders if it's strictly necessary for you to be so...pretentious. Remember that he's always proud of you and that he loves you very much even though he's never had time to come up here, but you seem to be really into the whole Antichrist thing."

"I am his avatar on Earth!"

"Right, right. He thinks it's sweet but he says that you don't need to follow in the family business. He has millions of children and he thinks that you should spend less time doing the whole Antichrist thing and maybe spending more time with your hundred thousand young. They need a mother. That's his biggest regret, not being in your life enough."

"How do I know that you're not lying?" Justine said, hissing and narrowing her eyes.

"What the fuck, I'm Jesus. I died to tell people not to lie. Along with some other stuff," he said, waving his hand in the air.

"I guess I could cut some hours at the old weapons company. But I've got a hundred thousand mouths to feed."

"Your dad understands. He's offered you some gold from the coffers of Hell if you were interested."

"Tell him that I accept."

"Good," Jesus said. He leaned down, petted the dog, and Justine watched years shed from the hellhound. Flames burst on his back and enveloped Jesus' sleeve. Jesus may have been impervious to the fires of hell, but his clothes weren't. His act of compassion resulted in one short sleeve ringed with ash, revealing a well-sculpted muscle beneath.

The Moral: Jesus may hate war and weapons but he's a hypocrite because he has huge guns.

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