Guide to Moral Living in Examples: Split-ends

Oorthoox burst into the room and his eyestalks fell on the table. His colleague, Mrothor, was sweeping holocards off of the table. Mrothor leaned over the remainder that he gave up on, rested one of his faces on a pseudopod, and gurgled a greeting.

"How was the mission?" Mrothor asked.

"You gel-minded shibberk, were you watching the surveilance camera footage or playing One Head, Two Hundred Stomaches?" Oorthoox asked. "Honestly, sometimes I feel like I'm the only one of us who wants to devour all humans!"

"I want to devour all humans!" Mrothor said, crossing seven tentacles and three arms. A lip on his knee trembled and three of the eyes on a kidney began to tear up.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry," Oorthoox said, "I'm just very excited! I have a feeling that we'll be devouring all humans sooner than we expected! Watch this footage."

Oorthoox waddled to the video display and slid a disc that looked exactly like a DVD but totally wasn't into a box that looked exactly like a DVD player but totally wasn't.

The video showed a close-up of a man in a polo shirt, smoking a cigarette outside of a building in an office park.

"This is a terrible angle," Mrothor said.

"It had it embedded in a chest!" Oorthoox replied. "Just shut up and watch."

"You must have embedded it in a stomach, because all I hear is sloshing," Mrothor said.

"Shut up!"

The man frowned at a space above the camera.

"Are you new here?" the man asked.

"...yes," said Oorthoox doing his best impression of a human voice.

"Are you foreign?"


"Hunh. My family's originally from Greece. I was born there, don't really remember much of it."


"How're you settling in? You like things here?"


"Well, that'll change. You started at a good time of year. Everyone's chipper from the spring weather. That's why they're cooking us in there, because they keep the damn heat on for-" after this, the man's lips continued to move but he apparently didn't say anything, as a loud growling noise drowned out any other sound.

Oorthoox slapped the stop button on the not-a-DVD-player.

"We don't have to wait for the heat rayguns to get here!" he exclaimed. "They are smoking and cooking themselves! It must be some sort of masochistic spring ritual. I had to run off and hide in the bushes because my stomach began growling so loudly I was afraid that he would detect my deception."

Mrothor pulled a handful of bibs from a basket and tucked them beneath a dozen chins.


Oorthoox and Mrothor guided their spacecraft into a sickly copse of trees that grew along the office park's drainage ditch.

The pair waddled towards the office. A crowd of smokers stood around the entrance, puffing tiny plumes of nicotine into the air. The pair sidled up next to them, a considerable feat of dexterity with so many tentacles, appendages, pseudopods, hoses, valves and sphincters to manage beneath the mansuits that they wore.

"Were you alright this morning?" asked the man from the video.

Mrothor ripped his mansuit off to reveal his true form. The smokers screamed. Some of them ran, some of them fainted, some of them stood completely still.

"What are you doing?" Oorthoox asked.

"I will devour all humans!" Mrothor shouted. He extended a long, vicious mouth, the biggest he had, towards the nearest woman. His mouth clamped down on an earlobe, all he could manage to fit in the end of the squirming tube.

"Now you are being devoured!" Mrothor announced with another mouth.

The woman blinked, the mouth's attacking having eaten nothing but her fear. She reached into her purse, pulled out a scissors that she reserved for trimming split ends, and clipped the mouth off of her ear.

It wasn't only Mrothor's biggest mouth, it was also his most sensitive tube.

Morthor screamed, flailed, and ran back towards the ship.

Oorthoox followed, shedding his mansuit to deploy all of his legs.

"They have anti-eating technology!" Oorthoox yelled.

The Moral: Always take care of split ends and you'll be prepared for anything.

Prev # Next