Guide to Moral Living in Examples: Persuasion

"Come on out," the vampire said. He sat on the steps of the church and picked his teeth.

"No," the priest said. He sat on a lawn chair on the other side of the door made of wood from a tree chopped down by a lumberjack from ages past.

"You're going to run out of food," the vampire said. "And I think it's starting to rain."

"So will you," the priest replied.

"But I'll keep living." The vampire popped open an umbrella.

"Not living. Existing."

The vampire rolled his eyes.

"I just rolled my eyes. I wanted you to know that."

"Well I just said another prayer for your soul. I wanted you to know that."

"The all of the townsfolk are vampires. They're happier this way. Half of them asked me. Their wife, their husband, their cousins and friends all convinced the holdouts. They're bustling very happily up and down the lanes, free from the fear of death."

"I'm a man of god. I don't fear death."

"But do you fear hunger pains?" The vampire shivered. Rivulets of rain ran down the stairs and soaked his pants.

"Like yours?"

"Yeah, yeah, my stomach's grumbling, I could use a drink, but I'm not going to be wasting away anytime soon. What I really want is to go inside somewhere dry."

"But what of the people out there? Know they the hunger of the grave? The thirst that can never be completely slaked? The instinctual desire for the body of flesh and blood, anything to remind them of the life that they abandoned? Did you tell them anything of that?"

The vampire sighed and let his head hang between his legs. He'd been going at this for days. "No, it didn't come up. Usually they grabbed the nearest person and had amazing vampire sex. Give up. Your god'll love you either way."

"Only if I don't go willingly."

The vampire raised his head. He'd figured it out.

"Okay, you win. I'll leave."

The vampire collapsed his umbrella, then turned into a bat and hovered above the steps.

The priest emerged.

The vampire turned back into human form and crashed into the priest from above. Before the priest's head bounced off of the stone steps he was a vampire.

"Wow, I feel a certain undead verve," the vampire priest said.

The Moral: mass vampirism is how garlic goes extinct.

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