Guide to Moral Living in Examples: Obscenity

"Stop this obscenity!" shouted Brenda Moss. She stomped back and forth on the Loganberg's lawn. Her marching had already worn away the snow to reveal weary strands of grass below. "End this disgusting display! For the children!"

The Loganberg family stood on the porch with hot chocolate in hand, bundled against the cold, watching Brenda and a half-dozen of her supporters tromp on their lawn in front of the snowwoman that their teenaged son Jimmy had put up. It was anatomically, if not statistically, correct.

"Cover it up!" Brenda yelled.

A brown car drove up and a man with the mannerisms of a squirrel emerged and darted towards Brenda. She lowered her sign, which read "YOUR SHAME IS YOUR SIN AND BOTH SHOULD BE HIDDEN" and listened to the man. She took a piece of paper from him, holding it like a sacred text.

"I'm suing you!" Brenda announced, whirling from her conversatoin and now waving the sacred text as a battle flag. "Consider yourself sued!"

"I thought it was a good sculpture," Lucretia Loganberg said in the family's defense. "An artist friend of ours offered Jimmy a chance to work at his sculpting study this summer when he saw his skill. None of us had any idea he was so good at it."

The judge agreed with Lucretia but supported Brenda Moss' claims of obscenity because she was president of a local civic society, the Council of Concerned Women Who Are Also An Organized Voting Bloc, Your Honor. The judge assessed no penalty, but did order the destruction of the snowwoman with industrial heaters. On the next morning, they rolled them out of the back of a municipal work truck and the snowwoman was a puddle of icy water in less than three minutes.

Brenda used the ruling to destroy all the snow sculptures that had been put up in defense of the Loganberg case, including several featuring Brenda that the judge privately thought were quite hilarious.

Soon, Brenda took her case to the nation. The federal courts ruled in support of Brenda's claims, with the opinion that naked snow people didn't fall under free speech protection, since snow people were not citizens.

Brenda had succeeded in demolishing anatomically correct snowmen and snowwomen in yards all across the United States.

Then the nukes started falling because the nation was too busy focusing on snow sculptures and failed to notice the escalation of hostilities.

Law enforcement collapsed. Jimmy Loganberg, now a talented scluptor, was free to make as many snow people as he wanted, in as much detail as he wanted. He attempted to make them to bring peoples' spirits up, but found he couldn't. No matter how hard he tried, he couldn't make more snow people, which shouldn't be surprising when the reader considers that snow people have to start out as snow babies, and where do you get snow babies without snow men and snow women?

Not all was lost, as a researcher in the frigid northern wastes of Canada found viable samples of a snow man and a snow woman and managed to bring them back with snow artificial insemination. Brenda Moss, however, caught wind of this from her network of spies and attempted to melt the snow embryo with a torch, until Jimmy Loganberg stabbed her with an icicle.

The Moral: make sure your Nuclear Winter Emergency Pack contains at least one board game (but not Monopoly, because the latter will still induce icicle stabbings).

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