Guide to Moral Living in Examples: Moonmen

"I've called this meeting to give you all a talking-to about maintaining the equipment. This sheet of paper that I have in front of me is a summary of the last several months of data on the moon," said Dr. Dierdre Szaldi, to the dozen astronomers seated at the long table. "According to the data, the moon has moved closer to Earth. If you have a problem with the equipment, please submit a maintenance request form so that our technicians can take a look."

One of the astronomers leapt from his chair, spraying an arc of instant coffee onto the stack of maintenance request forms sitting in front of Dr. Szaldi.

"The moonmen!" he spluttered.

"The what, Dr. Ribble?"

"The moonmen! Who live in the underground moonbases on the moon! They've launched Project Moonsday!"

"What are you talking about, Dr. Ribble?"

"Don't you know anything about the moonmen on the moonbases of the moon?"

"Do you have a fever, Dr. Ribble?" Dr. Szaldi asked. Dr. Ribble had done some amazing research as a graduate student and his parents were some of the biggest donators to the observatory, but he'd been having such severe delusions over the past several months that Dr. Szaldi had been forced to put him where he could do the least damage. He'd only recently returned from his latest lecture tour.

"Behold!" Dr. Ribble yelled, producing a child's toy. It was a shiny plastic raygun.

"And what is that supposed to be?"

"A weapon that I stole from the moonmen on my last reconnaisance mission!"

"Please, Dr. Ribble, we have some serious technical issues that we have to deal-"

The piece of paper that Dr. Szaldi held glowed blue for a moment before disappearing.

"Whoops. Shit. Sorry. I don't know where the safety is on this thing," Dr. Ribble said, flushing with embarrassment as he turned the ray gun over and around, searcing for a safety. "Do you have another copy of that?"

"Er, yes. I do. May I see that ray gun for a moment?" Dr. Szaldi asked. "Please set it down on the table, don't hand it to me."

"Right. Sorry," Dr. Ribble said, setting it down. Dr. Szaldi picked it up and pointed it at Dr. Ribble.

"I'm afraid that you're all too right, Dr. Ribble," Dr. Szaldi said. She peeled off her labcoat to reveal the shiny uniform of a moonman, only it had room for her full, moonwomanly figure.

"A moonwoman!" Dr. Ribble gasped.

"That's right, a moonwoman! A fact that you pathetic earthlings have never realized! We make the perfect infiltrators!"

"A spy! A traitor! We have to get the president on the phone!"

"Not so fast. One wrong move and I'll vaporize you! Put your pathetic, weak earthman arms in the air!"

Dr. Ribble put his arms up, but kept a defiant eye on the moonwoman. "Although it isn't fair for a moonwoman to heap emasculation upon the arms of an earthman, we can certainly bear the load! Our arms, developed under a proper amount of gravity, are rather well-formed and muscular compared to the flimsy appendages that your moonmen have!"

"Silence!" the moonwoman moonscreamed, aiming the gun between Dr. Ribble's eyes. "You'll pay for that!"

"No I won't!" Dr. Ribble said, leaping towards the moonwoman. With a yell, she pulled the trigger, but nothing happened. Dr. Ribble knocked the moonwoman to the ground, and with the help of the other scientists, took the raygun away from her.

"You see, I suspected you all along. All I had to do was to out you to the rest of the astronomers, and my plan worked perfectly: I increased the pressure necessary to pull the trigger and let your weak moonwoman fingers and proud moonwoman arrogance do the rest!"

"You'll never get away with this! Even now the moon moves closer to Earth! Soon we will disrupt your tides and flood your cities! Besides, how do you know that these other astronomers aren't moonwomen in disguise as well?" the moonwoman said, eyeing with contempt the other women that had helped disable her.

"Because I already know that they're marswomen in disguise!" Dr. Ribble announced triumphantly. One of the women standing near him removed her labcoat to reveal the brown jumpsuit worn by marspeople.

The Moral: Whenever you meet a woman, you should always ask her to pick up and carry a box weighing at least 45 pounds to make sure that she doesn't have weak moonwoman arms.

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