Guide to Moral Living in Examples: Lawyers, part 3

Continued from part 2.

"You look nice," Earl told Keller.

"Thank you," Keller said. "Your suit doesn't have too many rumples," she said.

"I'm quite pleased, I hadn't taken it out of the closet since I was hired at the museum. I think that should prove my artifact preservation skills," Earl replied.

"Although maybe it was a stupid idea to dress up, since this is the only piece of semi-formalwear that I own," Keller said, hefting a pry bar.

"It was the department chair's idea, and he's never had a stupid one before," Earl said, carrying a matching pry bar and rolling his eyes.

The pair had gone over the head of the department chair straight to the board of trustees, four of which were Sokolovs. The fifth Sokolov had reportedly been institutionalized years ago and wasn't involved in the scandal with his father. They reported their findings from the excavation of the tomb.

The Sokolov children would have demanded that Earl and Keller be fired on the spot, except that the pair repeatedly mentioned that they wanted permission to open the sarcophagus, since the x-rays revealed shapes which may have been treasure. The pair said that although it had been reported in the news that Sokolov had repatriated all of his artifacts to Egypt, they had reason to suspect that he'd held back a few powerful and valuable amulets that were supposed to imbue the owner with everlasting life.

The Sokolov children granted their assent and demanded that they be present because they wanted to see their dear, beloved father one last time. They scheduled the opening the next day, and now the time had come and they stomped into the tomb and clustered around the sarcophagus.

"Ready?" Earl asked.

"Ready," Keller replied.

The pair jammed their pry bars into the sarcophagus' lid and lifted, like they had the previous week. Earl and Keller had silently thanked the academic time dilation so that they could get a lid reproduced.

The mummy rose out of the sarcophagus, like he had the previous week.

Only this time he leapt out of the box and ran towards his terrified children.

"I curse you for desecrating my tomb!" the mummy roared.

The children flew into a panic, trampling each other in their haste to get away from the mummy.

"And that's a hell of a way to die, cutting my Achille's heel with a lobster claw boiled into my afternoon soup!"

The Sokolov's reached the doorway and all squished into an invisible wall.

"Now we're going to have a talk about right and wrong!"

"We're going to sue you! This is unlawful restraint!"

That was Sokolov's lawyer's cue to roll in from the tunnel where he'd been hiding.

"Ahem," Ernie the attorney said, not clearing his throat but saying the word. "Pursuant to the statutes and ordnances established by the city of Constantinople, Illinois a mummy's curse is legally binding if issued during an uninvited excursion into the mummy's tomb."

"But we were invited!" wailed one of the Sokolov children.

"Not by the owner," said Ernie. "The courts established in the class action suit 'the Estates of Cursed Explorers vs. the Horrible Mummy' that the owner of the tomb - the interred, the deceased, the worm food, in regular parlance - is the only one who may invite people to the tomb and CANNOT communicate that ability to any agents or representatives."

"Thanks, Ernie," the mummy said.

The Moral: if your father is rich and you've successfully poisoned him to get at his fortune, make sure to also pillage his tomb.

I hope you enjoyed the three-parter! If you have any opinions/applause/vitriol, let me know at

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