Guide to Moral Living in Examples: Homeowners

"I'm so glad that we finally closed on this house," Kevin said, stretching his feet out past a box of books as he sat on the couch. He turned and looked at his yard in the light of the full moon.

"Definitely," Kelly said, "but it's a little creepy in here."

"Nonsense," Kevin said. "The only downside to this place is that the television is straight across from the sunset so we'll have to buy blackout curtains or something." He jiggled his empty can of beer. "I'm going to get another, would you care for one?"

"No, just - just hurry back, okay?"

"Babe, there's nothing to worry about." Kevin got up and walked into the kitchen. Down the hallway that led to the bedrooms stood a man-shaped shadow. Kevin's blood ran cold and he froze. It was a silhouette of a man in a coat and cat. A shadowy hand reached out towards Kevin, and only the scream of his wife shook him out of his fright. He ran into the living room, where another black figure of a man in coat and hat was approaching Kelly.

"Ghosts!" Kevin yelled.

"I was right! Horribly, horribly and totally right!" Kelly shouted as Kevin grabbed her by the hand and they ran towards the door, which was blocked by another shadowy man.

"Shit!" Kevin said. Now it was Kelly's turn to drag a spouse as she pivoted and flew down the basement stairs.

"No! Not the basement!"

"It's the only way, we'll climb out of the window over the washer and dryer. The moon light that should've been pouring in through the windows was blocked by a shadowy silhouette.

"Oh god!" Kelly said. "They've followed me!"

"What?" Kevin said.

"These men used to haunt me in my parents' house, and in all of my apartments during college. Once I moved across the country they seemed to lose my trail, but now they've returned!"

"Is there anything that can stop them?" Kevin asked, as the circle came closer and closer and they began to choke off the light from the bare bulb hanging from the ceiling.

"No!" Kelly asked.

"Soulssss," the nearest one hissed.

Kevin tore a piece of cardboard from a box, grabbed a laundry pen and wrote the word "souls" on it and threw it on the floor. The silhouettes paused, then began to cluster around the cardbard, muttering to one another.

"We've got to get rid of them!" Kelly said.

"No, we don't," Kevin said, a smile spreading across his face.

The next day a brilliant sunset lit the evening sky and the red-orange light blazed straight onto Kevin's flat-screen television. Or would have, if he hadn't attached a card that said "souls" to a fishing rod and affixed it so that the card hung directly in front of the living room window. The cluster of shadow men loitered around it, effectively blocking out the light.

The Moral: ghosts are relatively gullible, but not gullible enough to buy life insurance, dammit.

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