Guide to Moral Living in Examples: Hank Rockjaw in 200 Pounds of Destruction! Part 5

Herr Oblong stood near Regina, a snub-nosed pistol in his hand. He jettisoned a stream of tobacco juice out of his mouth. It added another crater to the pockmarked and discolored snow in front of Festung Kleinschlange. Nominally a fortress, the battered structure was the remains of a castle from hundreds of years earlier.

"Your execution draws close. Your allies have chosen the life of my agent John Smith over that of your own. Typical," Herr Oblong said.

Regina moaned. She had been tied up, but Herr Oblong had cut the bindings after he'd realized that she was far too hungover to run. She could barely walk. The wet odor of stale liqour and sweat came off of her and stood out from the sharp clarity of the Alpine air, like a pile of garbage rotting on a white marble floor. The bright sun seared her red-rimmed eyes.

Herr Oblong heard the snow cruching from behind a nearby ridge. He tensed, and prepared to call out his Nazis soldiers that hid among the ruins. When Adam, known to Herr Oblong as Wilhelm, came around the corner, he lowered the pistol.

"Wilhelm, you stupid untersoldat! Where have you come from?"

"I had been captured by Hank Rockjaw!" Adam said.

"And he just let you escape?" Herr Oblong asked.

"No! Through cunning and derring-do I was able to slip out of his clutches and was coming to warn you that he's on his way," Adam said.

"No worries!" Herr Oblong, laughing. "I have dozens of soldiers hidden in the ruins of Festung Kleinschlange. Let him come!"

"But he is a clever man," Adam said.

"Wilhelm, Wilhelm, Wilhelm," Herr Oblong said, shaking his head. "You are a simple man with a simple brian, easily fooled and easily led. Observe. Hank will not be able to tolerate having Regina get shot. He will bring Agent John Smith back to us, I will pretend to trade and then my soldiers will open fire and kill both Hank and Regina. This is how you conquer the world!"

"That's quite dastardly," a voice said, somewhere high above Herr Oblong and Adam.

"Achtung!" Herr Oblong yelled into the ruins, expecting to hear the crunch of boot on stone and ice, the clash of weapons being cocked. Instead he heard silence.

"Nice try," said the voice. The next thing Herr Oblong knew, he was being knocked to the ground as an enormous trunk landed on him from above. His pistol went flying. Hank Rockjaw landed next to him, carrying a handful of weapons.

"Where are my soldiers?" Herr Oblong asked.

"I beat the Nazi out of them!" Hank said, "and I took their guns. Regina, are you okay?"

"No," Regina said. "I need my medicine. I have such a headache that I think my hair hurts."

"Your medicine was nothing more than a powerful alcoholic elixir given to you by Lucille Saxon, Directrix of the CSOA, to keep you drunk and complacent," Hank said.

Regina's surprised look was accompanied by the loud, rhythmic thump of a helicopter, which soon appeared overhead. A figure in a heavy parka came down a zipline.

"Is this how you treat operational secrets of the CSOA?" Lucille Saxon asked, taking down her face mask.

"You treated her horribly," Hank said.

"And you punch people for a living," Lucille replied. She pulled out a small control box. "I'm afraid that you are no longer considered a necessary asset to the CSOA, if you cannot even keep a simple secret. I will now be activating the bomb that was implanted in your heart, in case you were ever captured alive."

Unbeknownst to Lucille, Regina had wobbled up behind her. She punched Lucille in the jaw. Lucille stumbled backwards and threw the controller in the air, where Regina caught it.

"Let's get out of here. I know a cardiologist who can fix you up," Regina said.

"Sounds great, peaches," Hank said, as they grabbed on the helicopter's zipline and the helicopter began to rise.

"Who is the monster now?!" Herr Oblong yelled after them, still trapped beneath Hank's steamer trunk.

"It's still you, Nazi!" Hank yelled, "and now you have some company!"

The Moral: just because you're not the only monster doesn't mean that you're not special in your own repugnant way.

The End!

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