Guide to Moral Living in Examples: Expulsions

"Oh Jesus Christ, our lord and savior, protect us from the demon that haunts us!" Linda whispered, hiding in an upstairs bathroom. The demon - big, lean, red, flaming - was downstairs, his scaly feet up on her coffee table, watching an action movie on her television with the sound turned all the way up.

"When I used to be a street sweeper, I swept up chip bags with more heart than you!" said the star of the action movie, muffled through the towels that Linda pressed over her ears.

Something tapped her on the shoulder, and her elbow shot out sideways and hit something soft and squishy in the dark that felt more like a stomach than a hanging bathrobe.

"Oof," said a voice.

"Who the hell are you?"

"I'm Jesus Christ, your lord and medamn savior, so keep your medamn elbows out of my stomach."

"Oh, christ!" Linda said.

"Exactly," Jesus said. "You mentioned something about a demon problem?"

Linda realized that Jesus cast an aura of light, so she pointed downward. "He's watching my TV, drinking my beers, and he already wrecked one of my toilets."

"I came from exorcising a demon from a child in Peru that was vomiting blood and exploding alpacas with its mind. Seriously?"

"Why didn't you finish that up?"

"I'm humanities' servant, it's not like you ring a bell and I finish what's going on. I gotta hustle!"

Jesus disappeared and his light lingered for a moment before fading.

"Oh Jesus Christ, our lord and savior, protect us from the demon that haunts us!"

Jesus re-appeared. "It was a helluva lot easier before I had a billion medamn people to take care of. Do you have any idea how hard it is to walk on these?" he said, pointing to his scabbed-over crucifiction wounds.

"Ouch," Linda said. Something shattered downstairs. "Do something!" she wailed.

"Follow me, you have to participate in casting the demon out or he'll just come back, it's like caulking the door if you've got-"

Jesus disappeared.

"Oh Jesus Christ, our lord and savior, protect us from the demon that haunts us!" Linda said.

Jesus reappeared, covered in blood.

"MEDAMMIT you people need to organize yourselves better," Jesus said. He threw open the closet door and ran down the stairs, Linda in hot pursuit. The odor of the demon was somewhere between sweat, cat turds and an explosion at the rotten egg factory, mixed with the smell of burnt fabric as his flaming scales sat pressed against the flame-retardent couch and his firey farts worked on the padding.

"DEMON!" Jesus bellowed, "GET YOUR SCALY ASS OUT OF THIS WOMAN'S HOUSE OR I'M GOING TO SHOVE MY FOOT SO FAR UP YOUR ASS THAT WE'LL HAVE TO GET MARRIED."

Jesus disappeared.

The demon turned. His yellow eyes were slightly closed and unfocused from all the booze that he'd been drinking. He licked his fangs with one of his tongues.

"Whut'd you say?"

"Um," Linda said. "Oh Jesus Christ, our lord and savior, protect us from the demon that haunts us!"

Jesus re-appeared, tufts of alpaca fur in either hand. Some of the fibers poked through his stigmata holes.

"Oh, you," the demon said. "What're you going to do, lecture me?"

"Where was I? Oh yes," Jesus said. He spun around and kicked the demon square in the face hard enough that the couch tipped over onto its back and the demon went rolling into the now-empty dry bar. The empty bottles fell and broken, sending glass shrapnel all over the floor.

The demon got up.

"So that's how it's going to be," the demon said. He waved his hand before him and a portal appeared. A blast of immense heat erupted in a light-distorting ball. Black, ashy imps poured forth straight at Jesus. When he disappeared, they all careened in formation like a flock of birds and came in an arc at Linda. She dodged while screaming "Oh Jesus Christ, our lord and savior, protect us from the demon that haunts us!"

Jesus reappeared with a large alpaca, which he threw at the demon and broke his concentration. The imps dissipated like smoke and the portal closed.

The alpaca does not have effective natural weapons. However, they do have exquisitely tiny hooves which, when stamping over and over on sensitive bits, results in a demon who would disagree. He groaned and tipped over, clutching the demon equivalent of very sensitive bits indeed.

Jesus picked up the demon, despite its massive size, and threw him through a plate-glass window onto the yard and cast an expulsive blessing in a language so old that it made Latin look like a fetus with webbed fingers.

"Whoa!" Linda said as the demon stood up, brushed itself off, and stomped away into the night. "What'd you say?"

"Roughly translated, it means 'and stay out.'"

"Could you teach me to do that?"

"Not much to teach. To perform a standard expulsion, you need to mutter the appropriate words - and stay out! - immediately after applying the correct artifact - a plate glass window - to the receipient of the expulsion. That's why they were originally invented, after all. Anyhow, peace be with you," Jesus said, holding his hand palm-outward in a blessing.

Linda, pumped on adrenaline, high-fived it.

"Don't slap the stigmata!" Jesus said, then disappeared.

The Moral: alpacas have gorgeous eyelashes.

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