Guide to Moral Living in Examples: Divorces

Arthur sprawled across his couch in the dark with the air conditioning blowing full blast. He'd had a crappy day at work, today his soon-to-be-ex-wife had taken the rest of her stuff out of the house, and he intended to relax.

A voice whispered in the dark.

"I dropped an eldritch poison in your whisky," it said.

Arthur sat bolt upright and squinted into the pitch dark. Pausing a moment to consider what would happen if he did see somebody standing in his living room, he opened up his cell phone and shone its blue light around. It illuminated the only remaining table that his wife hadn't taken and an empty spot next to the tv that used to be occupied by a box that she shouldn't have taken. Must have been the beginning of a dream, Arthur decided, and put his phone away.

"Do you not care about your impending death?" the voice whispered.

Arthur sprang to his feet and flew to the nearest lamp. It came on and revealed nothing. Fighting the dread that pressed back against every step, he went into the kitchen and rummaged around for a knife. She'd taken everything but a paring knife about as sharp as a screwdriver. He systematically checked through the house, in every closet and behind every curtain. His collection of comics was gone. What the hell?

"You will die shortly unless you throw up the toxin!" the voice yelled.

"Who is that?" he said aloud. "I'm going to call the police!"

"It's going to kill you soon!"

"I feel fine! Are you a ghost?"

The voice sighed. "Yes."

"Why did you poison me?"

"Look, I'm incorporeal. I can't poison anything. This is embarrassing, but could you go upstairs and flush the toilet? I'm stuck somewhere in the bend."

"What do you mean, stuck?"

"I'm haunting a Sam Crawford baseball card and somebody tried to flush me down the toilet this afternoon. All that poisoning stuff was to get you to go throw up and flush the toilet."

"Not my card collection!"

"Hey, was that your wife? I think she took a haunted Ty Cobb, if it makes you feel any better."

The Moral: when you reduce, reuse, and recycle you don't just save the planet, you also save the homes of undead spirits

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