It all began with a single, massive point, an unfathomable amount of energy contained in a lump the size and texture of a raisin [author's interpretation]. Then the Big Bang banged, spewing chunky pieces of universe all over the rapidly-expanding walls of the universe. Material began coalescing into the first generation of stars, and their death resulted in the birth of heavy elements. In the Sol system, Earth formed from the corpses of those stars.
On Earth, a few pieces of carbon had a cuddle puddle, and life began. Millions of years after that, sex was invented by two adventurous organisms that wanted the cuddle puddle to lead somewhere. Still more years after that, some pioneering organism said "Hey, oxygen in air? Bitchin!" and it climbed out of the sea and onto a piece of rock.
And that's the story of why Greg has dry skin.
Greg X Graves is a young, angry man who is full of shit ideas. He's a rebel, baby. You can't take him home to Mom and Dad, because he'll probably just start railing against the Man and his stupid Establishment, and your parents will just be like "Whoa, Daughter, no way are you dating this hooligan," and it'll just be a whole big scene, and Greg'll just be like "Whatever, toots," and ride away on his bitchin' hog and then everyone will be sorry. Except Greg, because he's never sorry. Once, when he was nine, he accidentally dropped some ice cream on the floor and didn't apologize. He was just like "Whatever, toots," and rode away on his bitchin' hog.
Now Greg is trying to capitalize on this whole "internet" thing. When asked how exactly he intended to make money on the internet, Greg just said "Whatever, toots" and rode off on his bitchin' hog. Into the sunset.
Praise for Greg X. Graves:
"I applaud Mr. Graves for overcoming adversity. Mr. Graves faces more hurdles than most of us, because he is as stubborn as an ass, possesses a case of nerves that can be triggered by a slight breeze, and resides at the bottom of a well with a bucket of scorpions." -Lord Mayor of Charleston
"Greg is the wrong man in the wrong place at the wrong time with the wrong book. Don't mention this to him, however, as he is so exquisitely antagonistic." -Sigsmund Habadasher
"[Mr. Graves] is unfashionably early, never where you want him, always where you don't, and consistently ruins Ladies' Bridge Night. But he means well." -A Lady
"He smells like garlic." -Scorpius, King of the Bucket
"What? I don't know what you're talking about. No. No, this really isn't what this is here for." -Chris, phone support manager at a major soap manufacturer
Email: gregxgraves [at] gmail [dot] com